Writ'ting:

My journals from High School -2004

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My Writing Style:

First I should admit that writing about my writing style seems almost arrogant. It means that I actually have a 'style.' If someone were to compliment you on your colthing style, or style of make up, or your style of dance, it would be different than commenting on your own style. "I'm stylish! arn't I?"

So what I guess I really mean is that I want to explain why I write, and what has influenced how I write. I dont know if I actually have a "style" I just have my way, and the following is why.

Of course I learned how to write and read in school. But I never wrote anything besides what I had to. I knew how, but never honed it outside of school work. Then one day in 1997 I decided to start keeping a journal. I dont remember why. I would write for a couple days, then stop and wait months before writing again. I only really got into what I did that day, pretty much just documenting my life. But never really included anything besides ME. As I grew up and evolved so did my journals. Once things started to get more interesting in my personal life - my journals did too. I started to not just write down what happened, but also what I thought and felt about it. What it could mean, what would have happened under different circumstances - if I had made different decisions.

Unlike dreams and most conversations which are usually forgotten or confused later on - writing it down gives you the ability to go back and re-live it. Exactly as it was the second you were righting. writing. opps. What this did was enable me to obsessivly-disect my self. But not just "me" but my thoughts - which were written down and translated to readable sentences. What I mean is that without language people couldn't communicate in much detail what they were thinking. This also is true of your own mental workings. We can be illogical and emotional and not realize it. Because most of the times this happens is in moments of anger or because of a certain circumstance. What I realized was that I would write down something with total conviction - about how I felt at the time, and then go back after re-reading it and realized I now feel completely different. And that really had a huge impact on my writing and mind. I would start to question why I thought the way I did. What was the root of the emotion? Could I have avoided it? If i'm feeling this way, how does someone else feel?

What I realized was that I was refining my thinking faculty. In the same way that computer software gets more sophisticated as it's updated and improved - so did my mind. I dont mean to say that I wasn't already naturally gifted, but I wasn't, and still am not a savant. If I were to take an IQ test, I would probably be around "normal." I'm not good with numbers, I dont know my multiplication tables, I dont really know how to divide, and I dont have a vast library of facts and dates in my head. I'd potentially break even on an easy round of Jeapordy, Which I just spelled wrong. BUT what I am both cursed and gifted with is my level of obsessitivity which is combined with a highly intuned sensitivity.

 

Eventually I ended up writing SO much, about the same thing, that I began to understand it. What was it? IT was me, my mind, my thoughts. Which were expressed and revealed through this HERE writing. What I mean is that I think just like this. I think in full sentences and exactly how I write. Most of my journals are a pure stream of consiouness. THey are my thoughts verbatum, as they run through my head. And i've gotten exceedingly good at keeping up.

Basically I became a writer, by writing. By writing A LOT. A single year's journal could be phone-book sized. Some of it is pure journaling, some are 12-page long emails to people, some are conversations i've saved, their made up of intense writing. And those are only what's been saved or included. I'm a text whore, and used to talk on AIM all the time. Like, for hours. Daily.. That count's as writing too.

You know how there are different breeds of dogs and some are hyper and others are flacid? I'm the hyper one, the border collie. You know how some dogs wont even chase a ball, and other ones would literally jump off a cliff to fetch it? I'm the crazy one. I'm the kind of person who, when gets fixated on something - can't, stop, thinking about it. I'll lay in bed sometimes (most times) and i'll go into this thinking frenzy. I'll start off with one thought, and then go onto another, and then back to the first one, and back around again and again. Sometimes it's really entertaining and fun, other times it's tragic and depressing.

It allll depends on what negitive scarry thing I havn't yet digested. Unresolved issues. Questions I haven't answered yet. Conundrums. There are certain things that i'll think about on what almost seems to be a mental routein.

But back to how my writings has facilitated this. Writings is putting something intangible and illegible (thinking) into a tangible and legible form. And if you imagine how a baby goes from thinking about milk, and .. well whatever babies think about. THey dont think about politics or the existence of a god, or sex. They grow up, and so do their thoughts. Some people dont advance much beyond those primitive and carnal thoughts. They are all about "Sex and Doughnuts" or pure survival. You need to have sex to pass on your dna (which are also made of letters) and eat to continue to live - which I think is the original point to life.

 

But there comes certain people at certain times who end up evolving a little further. So instead of thinking about sex and food all day, they think about Religion, or Philosophy, or Vaccumes, or Star Trek, or cats (or da vinci). This imbedded instinct to put your full force and concentration on a particular goal - can, through natural, nurturing, and enviromental reasons - be implimented in a different form - the written word. You know how they say guys think about sex every 2.4 seconds or whatever? Well what would he be thinking about, if he didn't think about sex?

 

What i'm getting at is that i've written so much, about so many different things, that my mind is like Circus De Sole. It's fully intrusive, it's imaginative, it's logical, it's many different things all at once. ANd it changes.

My brain is fully loaded with such a variety of content, that it comes up with a plethera of words and connections. I've seen thousands of different movies, comics, tv, and listened to even more songs. These all add to my archive of information. That combined with my need to know and question everything has led me to be this crazy ass super computer. But one I keep almost completely hidden and covered by an appearance, a facade that's totally different.

My interests span from Plato and Nietsche to The Bachlor and American Idol.

 

And so my writings turned in the direction of philosophy and physics and sci-fi, all at once. I imagine building space ships, and that there are people on the moon. That i'm really in a dream or what I think is reality, isn't. I question everything so much and found so many different conflicting answers that I've gotten to the point where I dont come to one. I stay in the shade of grey and think of possibilities, I dont chose to believe in something totally, unless I know for sure. I stay away from pure convictions. I dont have to base who I am, off of what I beleive. I base myself off of what i'm doing that very moment. Is what i'm doing RIGHT Now, what I "Should" be doing? Am I thinking about what I "Should" be thinking about? What COULD i be doing? I almost allow myself to become a little psychzo from time to time. To embrace the mystery.

 

What I try to do constantly is to learn to control my thoughts. To rein them in. It's ok to have time off to waunder around and play, but I'm really trying to develop the ability to focus and shut off the rest. Thats my number one goal in life right now. It's not money or relationships, it's being able to unite my outter and inner worlds. To find a stability and contentment with myself. Thats what i feel i'm lacking. You could compare it to someone who really wants to read a book, but doesn't know how to read. They can't until they learn. It takes time, and practice.

And thats where i am. I use writing as a way to discover myself. It can go astray and think about other things, as it often does, and led to me writing a book about Da Vinci, but it still always comes back to me. This feeling of a looming and omnipresent question that i'm afraid to have answered. I really think that at any minute I could wake up for the first time in my life and realize that everything is completely different. LIke i'm going to someday be unplugged from the matrix. Or realize i'm on the truman show. This "unknown" haunts me. I must answer you! You antagonistic question!

 

 

If people are influenced and defined by where they are from, or where they live, then I am definitely an OC, or southern california person. We have a joke after watching the "Real Housewives of oc" that i'm the "House son" Priveledged, spoiled, superficial and image obsessed. Thats what the area i live in is known for. Thats what I used to be and still struggle with. We dont really know our neighbors, but they dont steal from us or bother us either. Where I live is on the top of the list for being the safest area in the United States and potentially the world. We live in a bubble, where there's nothing really to worry about, so we concentrate not on survival or saftey, but on trivial things. LIke what kinda car you drive, or how much money you make, or how blond your hair is, or how much body fat percentage you have, or the shape of your nose.

Basically my enviroment facillitates the advantages of free-time. Meaning that I dont need to focus on where my next meal is coming from or if i'm going to get killed - I have absolutely NOTHING in my life, directly or immenatly to concern myself with. I have food and shelter, and netflix, xbox 360 all the premium cable channels, napster, blockbuster, and high speed internet. One of the biggest dillemas I face is deciding where I want to eat that day. Or that I should work out. So I have pretty much full rein to do whatever I want. I have the time to write, and to think about something that's not even really there. I'm not on a farm worrying about if it'll rain. Or if i'll be able to pay my rent in a new york city apartment. I'm completely and utterly taken care of.

I'm ready for something different but I feel this enviroment is the best situation possible to write a book in. I need the free time. I need the resources. Writing is a lot harder than it seems.

THis is why I ponder about the meaning of life, and aliens, and movies, and books, and music, and my body image - because...I can. I have time to. I have access to almost unlimited resources. I can study anything online, and I have the time to do that.