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Chapter 13
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Interjection Three Before my Australian revival I tried to make my outside look as normal as possible -but inside I was someone totally different. I stifled my ambition by trying to be like everyone else; to be cool and to fit in. I spent all my money on cars (I had 9 different ones by the time I was 22) and clothes and the things I was told would make me feel better about myself. I knew that my job and my life were not what I wanted but it was comfortable and easy. I was coasting and just waiting for something to happen – anything. I wanted more.
“There’s gotta be more to life, than wanting more” – Stacie Orrico
When I would write I would ponder why I felt so alienated and different, why even though I had everything - I felt I had nothing. I was always writing about how the world didn’t seem real and felt like I was trapped inside some kind of matrix. I couldn’t understand how I could be someone who I didn’t want to be. I was ashamed of who I was becoming even though it was what I thought everyone else wanted. I tried to buy my worth and shape who I was on the expectations of others. I was miserable but content enough to stay that way. What was I going to do? Move back to Australia? I was trapped in the same bubble I had always been in. A place inside my head.
I was spoiled and unappreciative. I was the epitome of an O.C. boy who lived off a mediocre job and going to a community college for too long leeching off his parent in the guise of education.
I lived in Lake Forest which is nestled between Irvine and Mission Viejo – both of which made the list for 10 safest cities in the United States. Only 10 min from Newport Beach which is one of the richest places in the world. My area code was the coveted 949 – which to everyone in So Cal was somehow better than any other. A place that actually judged others by a telephone number.. There was always a joke about the people who lived in 714 – ewww! 909 even worse! The land of blond-bimbo-trophy-suv-milfs-with fake boobs and who’s favorite pass time was tanning, tennis, and gossip. That’s not to say they don’t make good parents, they treat their kids better than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes that’s the problem, but there are a lot bigger problems (and worse things you can do) than spoiling your children. I would never have accomplished half as much without being spoiled. The advantage no one considers is the aspirations it gives you. In order to maintain the extreme life style we’ve grown accustomed to – we have to do THAT much better in school. Go to the best colleges. Get the best jobs. It gives us the opportunity to reach for the stars. At the very least, we’ll be thankful and return the favor someday!
Working at the front desk of a community association club house placed me dead center in a culture who expected everything to be done for them. I actually received complaints about such things as bee hives, swans fighting, loud music, untrimmed grass, trash cans that were out for too long, and things that are too superficial for the rest of the world to fathom. I faced it all with a smile and pleasant disposition. I would fake a smile, and metaphorically roll my eyes. I learned a lot about life from my manager Doloris. She was a source of endless fascination.
I wanted something different. It wasn’t that I was afraid I would fail at something new, but of the change involved in actually doing it. I would find any excuse I could to keep my life in the exact same place it had always been but all the while craving change.
I was eventually promoted from the front desk to an 8-5 position; making membership cards - the “Membership Coordinator” (at least I got to take people’s pictures) I also stopped going to college until I could figure out what I was really going for. I started to control my spending but still only ever had enough to break even each month. It seemed like my life was on auto pilot – I was doing everything I should but not what I really wanted. I didn’t even know what that was, which was the problem. I didn’t want to be mediocre, I knew I wasn’t – but I didn’t know how to show it. I didn’t know who to show it to...
I continued to write but less and less until I almost gave up. But then something changed everything.
My cars’ battery died and in protest I decided to walk to work instead of getting it fixed. I guess getting mad at inanimate objects has some advantages; It came to me on my way home one day.
I happened to glance up at a window and inside the walls were lined with posters; it was apparently the room of a teenager. It made me remember all the bullshit I went through growing up; all the hard times, all the times I put myself down, and let others help me hate myself even more than I already did. It made me realize how far I had really come from being that sheltered, naïve, shy boy I used to be. How every little problem and disappointment had made me stronger BUT how different my life could have been if I would have known what I knew then - while I was growing up. There were plenty of things I definitely didn’t need to go through. Wouldn’t you agree?
Haven’t you ever thought that? How are we supposed to know what people don’t, or are afraid to tell us? About love, relationships, friendships, parenthood, money, cars, sex, drugs, credit cards, decisions, college – life?? Who tells us these things? We’re not all given the best most accurate from our parents and teachers and definitely not from other kids– that’s for sure! They always give us rules to follow but never the reasons why – that – we have to figure out for ourselves. They say; “just say no” but not why or what to do if you don’t or cant. (Or more importantly, how to say no after you’ve already said no, and you want to say yes!) And just saying no – isn’t enough. How to deal with addictions and the vices that are created by ignoring them, life isn’t a class room.
Something most people have to learn the hard way is that you’re parents are not perfect. They’re not always right. They are just people and aren’t usually any more enlightened than anyone else. Yeah – they might have your best interests in mind, but they might not know what those are. They’ll make you feel bad when you don’t listen to them. You’ll feel bad for occasionally hating them – but here’s a little secret from someone who knows; Sometimes they deserve it.
For all the times they say “it’s not about you it’s about us” as an explanation for a divorce – it’s about you too and they know it. For all the step parents they force us to live with even though we hate them – “love” isn’t a good enough excuse. Children don’t ask to be born. They didn’t ask for you as parents. You have an obligation to them for 18 years. If they choose to force yet another parent on you – it is NOT your obligation to like them. It’s not your obligation to listen to them. It’s your parents’ obligation to the child to make sure they’re surrounded by the best people possible – not just the losers they fall in love with. The kids are not to blame, they’re kids. You can’t expect respect when you don’t give it. Kids are usually a lot smarter anyways. They don’t have all the baggage – but of course it’s usually the parents who give it to them anyways. Thanks!!! But no thanks.
It’s not completely anyone’s fault, parents and teachers usually have the best intentions; it’s just that the world isn’t the same place it was when they were growing up. What worked for them isn’t always applicable 20 years later, most of the time not even 2 or 3. The world is changing and for one of the first times ever – the young are noticeably more informed and wise than the old. Today the younger generations are at an advantage. We’ve been raised with these new technologies and current ideas. But we’re also left with people telling us they know better when they really don’t know much at all anymore.
Going to college isn’t what it used to be. Careers aren’t what they used to be. In a world where you can make millions by sitting in front of a computer screen for a few minutes a day; it’s hard to rationalize the “hard work” that our parents try to instill in us. Things are different and changing at an unrivaled pace. Another secret from me to you – do what you want to do, not what someone else does. You’re the only one who’s going to truly be there for you in the end. Also: don’t get married or pregnant before you’re 25. You’re NOT ready. IF it’s right, it can wait.
v
So I thought; I’m going to do it. I’m going to write a book! I’m going to write a book about all the things that no one ever explains properly and all the things that will help the kids growing up!: All from a source who’s gone through it and really thought about it - obsessively. Not someone just trying to re-enforce the “rules” everyone else has passed on carelessly though the ages. It’s our live and we can do anything we want! Right?
Well - Kinda.. Whether you have to work hard for it or not life takes money – a very necessary evil.. Thankfully I was in the position to take a couple months “off.” So I gave my 2 week notice and decided to do what DEREK wanted with his life. Something important, something great, something that could help people, and something for the real me~!
I wrote for a month straight; getting up at 3 in the morning – unable to sleep, being SO excited to keep writing. It was as if I was possessed and I thrived on it. I didn’t even need to take anything; (I’m a total energy drink addict!) it was as if I was as high as I’ve ever been but without anything but myself powering it. I knew what I wanted and I was intent on getting it.. I lost almost 20 pounds in a single month. Eating and sleeping were beside the point.
But, That’s when doubt sets in - right when you need it least.. Reality came rushing back. I needed money to keep going.. So I actually paid 11$ online for a “make thousands of dollars a day from your computer” and wow, this could actually work! I bought a couple more and realized it would work - but it takes a lot of work.
I went through the normal human responses to new things that seemed too good to be true – excited- .. kinda excited – afraid – ready to give up! But, but! I couldn’t. I needed to make money to keep writing. So I kept with it. I studied and researched and learned everything I needed to make money online. It was surprisingly simple once I stopped being afraid of it.
So how much did I make? $3.45 haha, and not a penny more ever since. Somewhere in the process the seed that had been in me finally exploded. I couldn’t do one thing, I couldn’t have one thought. I would type a paragraph about one thing and then start on something else immediately after, again, and again, and again. It was similar to how I was in Australia but this time I was years older and accutane free! I was thinking in a new mind frame not like a peasant but like a president – one which I could do anything. I knew how to make as much money as I wanted but instead of actually making it I kept thinking about what I would do once I did. I look back on it and realize how stupid it sounds but at the time I was out of control. Every time I would come up with one idea I would go with it for a day but then move onto something else. It wasn’t that my ideas wouldn’t work or that I didn’t want to pursue them; It’s that I would come up with a better one that would make all the previous obsolete. Over and over again.. I couldn’t ever properly describe what was happening to me. The progression from young man to man is just as difficult as from man to old man; which results in a midlife crisis. It was as if I finally grew up in the course of a few weeks and didn’t understand what had been wrong with me before. Why was I always trying to spend money instead of making money? What was I ever afraid of? I could do anything! Yeah – anything BUT finish any one of my ideas.. Or anything to actually make me any money. I could spend it really well though! Usually when people are like that you would assume they’re using their new ideas as excuses to never bring anything to fruition – that they were afraid to fail. I honestly wasn’t in control but in another way I complete control. I literally could not finish or work on ANYTHING that couldn’t be completed in a day or less. What do you do when you think you could do anything?
Everything or Nothing! But of course it’s all just ->
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