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Chapter 13
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Interjection Six On yet another “road Trip” I decided I was just going to drive and drive and see what happened. I was in the midst of my first break down, yay! I couldn’t think of anywhere else so I went on yet another trip to make some money gambling. Then If I won I didn’t have to go back, I could just keep going. Fortunately I was up a couple hundred dollars, but had the sense to stop since I had spent triple that in a manic spending spree earlier.
On the way back from casino, and to the unknown, a thick mist covered the freeway. It was about that time that everything that had been happening in my life finally caught up to me. Where as the hardest I have ever cried in my life was during the movie INSTINCT – when a gorilla was shot. I managed to out weep that ten fold.
I hadn’t really been a crier, never a sober. But as I drove and the mist made it impossible to go more than 20 mph I broke down. I couldn’t see past my tears or two feet in front of my single head light. I turned off at the next random exit and kept driving, crying, and wondering where the road went. I went a few miles, still only going 10 mph in the dense fog when suddenly the paved road ended. A dirt road began and my very non-off-road’in Jag came to a halt.
Wow, is this real? I had been listening to music and as I turned my car off I sat in complete silence for what seemed like the first time in my life. There is usually noise, always some noise coming from somewhere. But as I sat in my silent car all I heard was a constant ringing in my ears. It seemed louder than any song. I sat, I cried, I started to realize I was afraid. I had an intense sensation that I should leave my car and walk into the darkness. I thought the mist and the random road I had ended up at was a sign of some kind. That I would find something in the night that would answer all my questions and resolve all my frustrations.
But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t open the door. I couldn’t move. It was the fear of the dark, the unknown, and remembering every horror movie I had ever seen. Every time I would shout at the screen “IDIOT, don’t go inspect the strange noise!!! It’s going to get you!!” So, I took my own advice and stayed locked in my automobile. I guess going on an adventure into the unknown wound up being a little too literal for me at the time; especially in that state of mind. So I sat there in my car waiting for a sign or someone to emerge from the fog. No one did. I wondered why I was there. Is there really such a thing as fate? Destiny? God? The boogyman? Aliens maybe? What would happen if I got out of the car? Why was I compelled to but terrified at the same time? I wasn’t ready.
The tone that kept repeating in my ears was unbearable. I turned my car back on to play music – music always helps. It was then that I noticed something that distracted me from the situation. The gauge on my car revved and through my wet eyes I saw a blur of color. I had my camera in my back seat so I thought it might make for a cool picture. In the same way I would fall asleep only after forgetting I was trying to. I transitioned from what seemed like the worst moment of my life to an intense-distracted-concentration.
I ended up getting my first “award” for the second picture on the web site usefilm.com It might not have been a lot, but for someone who’s never taken a photography class it felt goooood.
I didn’t find a voice in the mist or some divine guidance. I didn’t find an answer to the questions I couldn’t ask. I didn’t have a spiritual awakening or anything like that. I just cried really really hard. I eventually got back on the freeway and found my way to the beach. My perilous road trip didn’t take me too far or for too long but I think it drove me out of craziness and back to a relative sanity..
I drove back to what I then called home. It would end up being the pinnacle of my manic passion. It was all down hill from then on.. Passion’s daughter, compassion was next.
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I kept writing my book about growing up but also about things that I needed to figure out for myself. I found writing on paper and typing were two totally different experiences as they were with my journals. There is something unique about writing by hand vs typing; it’s hard to explain. It requires more thinking because it takes longer I guess. Or you think more because you have more time between words. I also tend to write more precisely with a pen, it takes too long to ramble.
So I started to write on pieces of paper and notebooks instead of on the computer. I kept filling them up and running out of paper so I decided to get some poster boards and see how that would work.. I purchased 4 huge pieces of poster boards. I was no longer limited by space and could keep writing and drawing; it’s like having a bigger working space. By the end of the first night I wasn’t tired and decided to just keep going.
The next day I took a break and went to get something next to a Barns & Noble. I ended up going there too and buying 250$ worth of Da Vinci books. I don’t know why or how I decided which ones to get. I just grabbed as many as I could carry from the Da Vinci section.. The person at the counter probably thought I was insane or doing a project for school.
When I got home I continued writing and then started drawing as well. I kept going for yet another night, not sleeping.. and then again. I hadn’t eaten anything either and the combination lead to this abstract-genius-rapid-mind I had never experienced before. It was remarkably different than anything I had been going through for the last couple months. I could literally think of and imagine anything I wanted (or didn’t want). It was focused and pronounced and abstract – but logical. I wasn’t emotional or out of control per say – I was different a more refined state of mind. I guess you could say I was “in the zone” but a zone I had never been in before. Think John Travolta from the movie “Phenomenon” but without the brain tumor (hopefully!)
“They” say that not getting enough sleep can make you start to hallucinate and all kinds of stuff. I would have to say they’re almost right! I was thinking and writing about the strangest things –
I was trying to figure out language. Why are letters shaped in the way they were. Why sounds sound they way they do. How letters are just symbols and an A can mean something by itself and in a word. Apple. Then maybe they were related? I started thinking about why language would have really started and how it evolved. That Snakes make an sss sound and are shaped like the letter S. That Mama and mmm, milk, mammary, mammals – all were some how related. These might seem like crazy ideas but it reminded me a lot of a different movie “A beautiful Mind” how he would put all these patterns together that made sense but weren’t necessarily related – but could be. They were things that would be overlooked or dismissed by anyone else.
I was realizing how similar a wall nut looked to the human brain. That an animals shape determined it’s purpose. A shark and a whale are similar but have different features that suite their diet and behavior.
Then I started working out these weird math problems that related to geometry! For the first time ever I realized what they were trying to teach us in math class! It made so much sense! I knew I wasn’t just delusional because the math I was figuring out was actually right. Haha, wow – another first. I had always hated math.
Then, and this is the delicate part.. I started to figure out how someone could map out a scene – a figure –or a multi-dimensional environment; in a 2 dimensional way.. Put more simply, how you could make something 3d on paper using graphs and mathematical equations.
It’s not crazy, it’s how when we’re watching tv we’re seeing a scene that’s not flat on a flat surface. I was essentially thinking of how to re-create a photograph as a painting. To put a sculpture on paper.. Some might say I was going mad, but there was someone from 500 years ago that could relate…
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