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Chapter 13
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Interjection Fourteen The biggest aggravation I’ve had in writing this book is the time it’s taken. Yeah it takes a long time to write a book but not as long as you might think. The frustration hasn’t been that it takes me a long time to write, that’s not the problem. It’s the lull in the motion. It’s writing intensively for 20 hours at a time, but then not being able to write a word for weeks in between. It could be mistaken for laziness but after going over it over and over for almost a year now I’m realizing it’s just how I work. The people who watched Leonardo Paint The Last Supper said he would spend some days non-stop, not even stopping for breaks or food. Then others he would come and stare at the wall for 4 hours, make a couple strokes and leave for the day. This frustrated the people paying him because it seemed like he wasn’t working. They just didn’t get it. He wasn’t stacking bricks, digging holes, or working an 8-5 answering phones, he was trying to make a masterpiece. He was doing things that no one in the entire world would even be able to fully appreciate for 500 years. Sometimes you don’t know everything and people can’t always meet your expectations. What most people fail to realize is that you can’t expect something before it’s done. I just watched the movie “Astronaut Farmer” and couldn’t help but see the irony and connection to my own situation.
Everyone was making fun of him, telling him he’d never do it, that he was taking too long, and he should just give up and get a “real job.” But he was building a damn rocket – something he was banking his entire life on (both metaphorically and physically.) No one else knew what they were talking about. You can’t launch a rocket before it’s built. You can’t see a painting before it’s painted. You can’t read a book until it’s written.
Finally, for once in my life, I feel free. Not in a swooshy spiritual sense, but like I’m an individual. Special- not like duhn duhn dunn, but like I’ll be able to do anything. Like I’m less afraid. Like I can do it, whatever it is. But then I’ll have other days when I’m afraid to check my email. When I don’t want to look at my cell phone, like I can’t handle it. I guess change is a very rocky road, and definitely has its ups and downs. The greatest thing to remember, and take from my experience is that you CAN do anything you want. You just CANT stop. Whether it takes a month, a year, or 10 – don’t give up. You never fail if you keep trying. When it gets bad, it will get better. When it gets good, it’ll get worse. “Expect the unexpected” (Carushka), but don’t expect failure.
When I look back I remember an adventure. It’s seemed like a movie, like something I didn’t experience myself, something I only observed. Like most of my life this experience lacks a sense of reality. When I try to analyze it logically I imagine it to be something as a product of my brain. The chemicals interacting and electrical impulses firing through my neurons. My will changing the billions of possibilities every few seconds, determining my fate.
Then there is another, fuzzy part of me that feels something totally different. Like nothing is real. Life is but a dream. The feelings you get when you’re at your first concert. When you listen to a Christina Aguilera song. A whole part of the universe that makes you know there’s something better out there. Like we’re suppose to do something great. It’s like driving a car with the windows down or your first kiss. It’s the star trek chorus to a trekkie or holding a new born baby. There is something that tells me that heaven can be a place. That we can let go of our fears and just be happy. It’s something so simple, that’s too alluding.
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