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Chapter 13
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Interjection Four I was more alive than I’ve ever been but then at the same time completely lost. I would go from being on top of the world to wanting to die in the same day – everyday. What goes up - must come down. The better the moment, the worse the come down would be. It’s probably that very contrast that kept me from finishing anything. It’s like being punished for any good emotion you feel.. I was up, I was down. I was up, I was down. I was so over it, but trapped inside of it at the same time.
I was too much to handle and I couldn’t stand talking or being around anyone. They didn’t understand - they didn’t get it. It’s not that they thought I was coming up with stupid ideas but didn’t understand why I kept changing my mind. Eventually everything just sounded the same to them. I understood why they felt that way but not why they couldn’t see that as a good thing. Where as other people struggle with finding one good idea, I was struggling to make them stop. I couldn’t make them stop and I didn’t want to make them stop.
I eventually just had to force myself to stop caring what other people thought and find the strength inside myself. I wasn’t dumb, I was actually fully and completely aware of how I was sounding and why they thought the way they did. I had to convince myself that the end result would be worth the intermediate hell I was putting them through.. I was so alone.
I have always been a loner. I remember sitting in the library freshman year of high school; doing homework by myself instead of talking to anyone. I’ve never been able to make or keep friends, it was almost a disability. I survived, I evolved, and I wrote. It became second nature to me but I never thought I was “good.” I equated good writing to fiction and poetry..
In the process of writing so much about myself and my thoughts with my journals I started to develop an ability to think in a very structured way. As I’ve said I started to think of everything in words and sentences in my mind. It reminded me of something my film teacher Charlie Meyers said;
“After you take this class you will never be able to watch a movie the same way again.”
He meant that once you start to understand the complexities and dynamic that goes on behind making a movie – you’ll start to try to figure out how they made it – instead of just watching and enjoying it. I regret not taking his class more seriously. I disliked it for all the wrong reasons. I was like; “why aren’t you just giving us multiple choice tests and books to read!? You mean, you want us to think for ourselves???” Sorry Charlie! You were right.
So like not being able to enjoy a movie because you’re trying to figure out how they made it I was going through life thinking about how I was going to write about it. My emotions, my reactions, my flaws, my strengths – I would dissect everything. I would (and still do) think in the words I was planning to write in my journal. It helped me notice everything but stand apart from it in contemplation. It made me feel like I wasn’t experiencing life but instead documenting it..
I have probably written more than I’ve read throughout my life.
The Cover of my 2004 Journal which is thousands of pages long.. What I find interesting about this was that I mirrored my reflection and inverted it. Two things that would later enable me to unlock the Mona Lisa.. At the time it stood for the duality in myself. Why was my reflection someone I didn’t know?
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